Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize