it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
we made out on top of his cat.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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