I smell stomach acid.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Green mimosas i think yes
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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