I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
40s are totally the cure
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
