its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
