Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
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