Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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