I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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