Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
