I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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