i permit you to call me
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
