I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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