Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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