If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
