Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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