the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
