After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
