Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I can't put those talents on a resume
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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