Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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