Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
