I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
