the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
