We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
