He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
