So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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