Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
