Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
