My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
