Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
