If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
