i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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