I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
