I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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