two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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