do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
