Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
