I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
