Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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