I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
