When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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