If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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