i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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