gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
