This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
