Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
