I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
