she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
