it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
