haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
