My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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